The Broken Soldier

Brian stopped by for a visit.  My wife was working from home.  Our daughter was here.  Brian and I, in spite of our educations, combined IQs, strict Catholic upbringings, and neither of us having ever worn Crackerjacks or Khakis rely heavily on curse words in normal conversation.  We sat outside, smoked Djarums, drank Starbucks, and tried to keep the curse-filled confab to a dull roar.

We talked about many topics, as we always do.  We can discuss philosophy and sciences and other academic bullshit without a need to prove anything to each other.  Which is nice.  He’s teaching two classes, one at A2 and the other at U of Windsor.  He wrecked his old car, and had to get a new one.  It’s nice.  But of the many subjects we discuss, I appreciate the personal discussions most.  We discussed the loss of his Dad, and the loss of my health.  He’s worried about me.  Just like everyone else.

He’s got a McGill Ph.D. in philosophical logic, modal to be precise, as those of you of who follow this site already know.  Brian also is about 4/5ths the way through an Honors Biology degree.  He feels, as I did as I went through university, that it’s important to balance and round one’s education.  Aside from the enjoyment of learning stuff, this approach makes one conversant in many subjects and allows one to speak intelligently to those subjects - a rare, almost Renaissance, approach by today’s standards.  We got to talking, almost lightly debating, whether my gloomy opinions regarding my health now and in the future are justified.

We didn’t really make any headway clarifying points of disagreement - yes, that is what a ‘debate’ is, clarifying points of disagreement assuming a similar or commensurable method/perspective.  Though in our culture of “everyone on the internet is a fucking expert in every subject” (INSERT COLOSSAL EYE ROLL HERE), Jerry Springer, hit your opponent over the head with a chair while questioning his paternity and other concernments designed to remove focus from ascertaining the truth of a subject under discussion, most are clearly confused about what that term means.  (Which, by the way, is the primary reason I don’t grant open post privileges on this site.)  We were coming from two very different starting points.  I was quoting peer-reviewed lit.  Brian was applying standard criticisms of induction.  Who’s right, neither of us were willing to say.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

But as I wait and see, and my family and friends are dragged along for that painful ride, not knowing is possibly the worst, most depressing part.

Bruce sends me stories of other soldiers and their families from time to time.  One story hit me pretty hard.  The info I have is incomplete, but I’ll do my best to piece it together.

“Emotionally impaired” young guy.  CO and NCOs appointed over him deny the problem.  He’s sent to Iraq.  Problem gets worse.  CO and NCOs continue to deny the problem.  EI young guy up and hit the bricks.  No one, not even his mother, knows where he is.  Given that he is (or was) EI and suicidal, he may very well be dead.  If not, if found, he’d probably wish he were, as I’m sure his COs have no sympathies nor will they show him any mercy for unauthorized leave.

He was last spotted in Michigan.  The FBI and local sheriff are checking John Doe DNA for a match.  So far they’ve not found him.

I shared a similar story before about a buddy of mine named Ritchy.  His CoC denied him assistance with drug dependency and mental health issues.  Ritchy went AWOL to go to drug rehab.  I don’t know what became of him, but at least I know he returned alive.  I’m praying this young man will too.

I went to my primary care doc today.  We had frank a discussion about my injuries, secondary illnesses, the symptoms of each, and likely outcomes.  It was difficult for both of us.

He’s very concerned surgery and over four weeks of convalescing haven’t decreased pain and neurological symptoms, paying great attention to foot drop gait.  His worry, which was my worry well before we had our discussion, is that foot drop, as a prognostic factor, predicts a bad outcome.  Foot drop after surgical intervention even more so.

We also discussed my depression.  Confusion, forgetfulness, insomnia, irritability, ‘inappropriate’ crying, blunted mood, labile mood, significant weight change, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, and suicidal ideation.  The presence of anxiety and possibly auditory hallucinations (”possibly” because the hallucinations may be caused by interaction of all the medications I’m taking rather than a psychiatric condition), complicate treatment, and negatively impact treatment success and rate of recurrence.  He isn’t surprised I’m experiencing this, and neither am I.  I’m getting hit from all sides.  16 months of crippling chronic pain with little relief.  16 months of financial pinch.  Knowledge each will likely influence the rest of my life.  With this list of stressors profound major clinical depression (with anxiety and possibly with psychotic symptoms) is predictable (seriously, as even a casual look at peer-reviewed lit will reveal).

As we discussed all of this, what got us here, and what it took to get the Army to begin moving to resolve this (though resolution may not be possible at this point), he just sighed and shook his head.  He did this quite a lot between occasional stabs at the Army and at government run medicine.  It was very hard discussing some of these things with him.  With anyone really.  He kept saying, “You’re such a big dude.  It’s hard for me to see you this way.”  Me too doc.  But I’m initiating the VA Compensation process.  I guess this sort of discomfort is something I had better get used to.

I was enjoying my ID as much as I could - sleeping off what I assume was an accidental drug overdose.  Brief moments of full consciousness, or as full as consciousness gets these days, to eat a Klondike Bar or vomit or play with Caleb or tell my wife I love her.  The day was going fine until I was fully awaken by the loud booms from the local crackers’ firecrackers.  I wish I would have just slept through this one.