The Broken Soldier

I went to my primary care doc today.  We had frank a discussion about my injuries, secondary illnesses, the symptoms of each, and likely outcomes.  It was difficult for both of us.

He’s very concerned surgery and over four weeks of convalescing haven’t decreased pain and neurological symptoms, paying great attention to foot drop gait.  His worry, which was my worry well before we had our discussion, is that foot drop, as a prognostic factor, predicts a bad outcome.  Foot drop after surgical intervention even more so.

We also discussed my depression.  Confusion, forgetfulness, insomnia, irritability, ‘inappropriate’ crying, blunted mood, labile mood, significant weight change, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, and suicidal ideation.  The presence of anxiety and possibly auditory hallucinations (”possibly” because the hallucinations may be caused by interaction of all the medications I’m taking rather than a psychiatric condition), complicate treatment, and negatively impact treatment success and rate of recurrence.  He isn’t surprised I’m experiencing this, and neither am I.  I’m getting hit from all sides.  16 months of crippling chronic pain with little relief.  16 months of financial pinch.  Knowledge each will likely influence the rest of my life.  With this list of stressors profound major clinical depression (with anxiety and possibly with psychotic symptoms) is predictable (seriously, as even a casual look at peer-reviewed lit will reveal).

As we discussed all of this, what got us here, and what it took to get the Army to begin moving to resolve this (though resolution may not be possible at this point), he just sighed and shook his head.  He did this quite a lot between occasional stabs at the Army and at government run medicine.  It was very hard discussing some of these things with him.  With anyone really.  He kept saying, “You’re such a big dude.  It’s hard for me to see you this way.”  Me too doc.  But I’m initiating the VA Compensation process.  I guess this sort of discomfort is something I had better get used to.