The Broken Soldier

Had a visit with the neurosurgeon.  My usual guy is out two months for ‘personal reasons.’  New guy took me through the objective findings.  Positive MRI.  Positive EMG.  Positive myelogram.  Positive Contrast Dye CT.

He then took me through the assessments.  Positive Chronic L5 radiculopathy.  Positive sensory neuropathy at L5.  L5 nerve entrapment.  L5-S1 right side lateral ‘component.’  Dessication and other signs of degenerative disc disease.

Then to his likely approach, pending the result of a more recent MRI, which is scheduled for next week.  Discectomy and laminectomy as reasonable first steps.

This doc, a funny little fella, some-it like a Levantine hobbit, left me with these parting words.  “It’s not in your head.”  To which I responded, “No shit.  It’s in my back.”  We shook hands, exchanged parting pleasantries, and went our ways.

Now there are four different tests, performed and analyzed by different doctors, all coming to the same conclusion.  How much ya wanna bet my friend at Knox will again be the only decenting vote?

Bruce just sent me this link.  With over 43,000 views on youtube alone, I’m sure many of you have seen it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46vYZFU1Dew

I finished watching it a little while ago.  I know from experience that this isn’t unusual.  It breaks my heart knowing that this is how we rate.

I got a couple emails from Bruce Simpson this morning.  Forwards of discussions between Regina Bell and Bruce, and COL Donald Ballard (Medal of Honor recipient) and Bruce.  Bruce wrote Ms. Bell, Gov. Jennifer Granholm’s staff member, with his intentions to formally move forward with writ of mandamus in Federal Court.  He wrote COL Ballard, a personal friend of Bruce, to introduce him to me and my story.  Ms. Bell has, to my knowledge, not responded to Bruce.  Below is COL Ballard’s response.

“Bruce, thank you for your service to our great country and thank you for what you do to help the veterans that made this country what it is today.

Thank God we have people that want to serve and are still willing to serve in spite of all the repeated problems our government wants to hand down.

How disrespectful can these clueless people be?  They have no idea what pain and suffering a veteran goes through for years after service in the military.  All these people want freedom but are not willing to pay the price, even when it is the right thing to do.  They want to give the money and support to people that do nothing good for the country [and] only wants to be a drain on the society.

I personally believe no politician should ever serve in office without first showing the respect of the veterans that made it possible for the job in the first place.

Send to me the information on this troubled warrior and I will ask Pat Kerr who is a friend of mine here in Missouri. She is very knowledgeable about veterans rights and I will ask her opinion on the subject.  She may have advice that can help.

Best wishes God Bless
Doc Don Ballard.”

I’m hoping I’m coming to the end of this.  I’ve not slept but a couple hours in days.  It’s hard to hold down food.  The pain is terrible.

I sat up, performed my morning ritual.  Greet the dog.  Greet the toilet.  Pepto, non-drowsy cold medicine, and a handful of OTC Ibuprofin (very close to the medical treatment I received while on active duty, minus the Pepto and the cold medicine).  Email.  Facebook.  Wife brings coffee and asks if I want something to eat.  Djarum Specials - wife lifted the cig prohibition.  Flip the channel on the up-all-night tired TV to something my conscious mind can tolerate.  Check the Broken Soldier.

This morning I found a comment awaiting moderation.  I approved it, and wrote back to its author with “Natural Born Killers” and opioid withdrawal accompaniment.

“Thank you GM,

My family, friends, and I appreciate your sympathies.
With regard to healing over time, I try to strike a balance between staying positive and being realistic.  As a general rule, those who receive prompt treatment tend to do better than those who don’t.  There are some factors working in my favor, and some that aren’t.  But even if I do ultimately heal, even if I recover fully or close to it, the pain and humiliation and financial ruin my wife and I have had visited on us by our government can never be undone.  It is because of this that I keep this blog.  It is for my brothers and sisters in uniform, those going through the same or worse, or those who may in some small way be saved by the corrective force sharing my experiences is having that I do this.  My sincerest hope is that through accounts of suffering of my comrades and I together we can affect positive change.  To truly keep the promises we’ve made to those who sacrifice so much, sometimes everything, for our peace and safety.
Please keep us in your prayers.  I will keep you and yours in mine.

Best,

Jimison”

When all the bullshit, all the posturing and threats, all the arguments, everything is tallied and tabulated, this is and has been the motivating force.  The true substance, ugly and undeniable, behind this.  The truth at the bottom.

It’s three days since I kicked Fentanyl.  One day since the myelogram.  Cold sweats.  Nausea.  Vomitous.  Shaking.  Hallucination.  Pain like I’ve never known.

No, that wasn’t a modified version of Renton’s sililoquy.  It’s what I’m living through today.  I’d say it’s my Cross, but that wouldn’t be accurate.  This suffering is meaningless.  Purposeless.  Serves nothing.  And it surely wasn’t Divine Will what brought me to this state.

I told my wife.  She’s walking a line of feeling sorry for and feeling angry with me.  But I feel this is something I must do.  Especially now.  I feel the storm coming.

I’m having a myelogram tomorrow.  It may sound strange, but I’m actually sort of happy having my spine punctured again.  The procedure itself will be far from pleasant, and so will the three days, at least, after.  This procedure can, in fact, kill me.  But it gives me one more piece of ‘hard’ evidence to justify my doctors’ opinions.

The appointment was almost cancelled.  I got a call from my neurosurgeon’s office billing secretary.  She voiced concern, and shared the concern of the clinic performing the procedure, that previous attempts to process claims through TriCare had failed.  The reason they were given was that I was not eligible because I was not on active duty.  This in spite of having an approved LOD on file, as well as a pre-authorization for this treatment/diagnostic battery from HealthNet/TriCare.

I did my best to clear up confusion and to put the secretary’s mind at ease.  She along with several others had been calling our state Health Services, but weren’t having much luck getting through.  I thought I might have better luck.  I called HealthNet, and was told there was nothing the person I spoke to could do about my problems.  I was given another number to call.  This person too was unhelpful, but gave me the number to the MMSO.  The guy at MMSO wasn’t helpful either.  He and the others claimed they couldn’t help because they had no access to any of my authorizations or anything else.  They suggested I work through my MTF.  Over an hour on the phone and no help.

Luckily my neurosurgeon’s biller had received a call from someone, I don’t know who, verifying to her satisfaction that my appointment would be covered.  But the rigmarole experience outlined above raises important, though obvious questions regarding how well this system works.  This experience is, however, what I’ve come to expect.  More stress.  More aggravation.  Multiple levels of dysfunctional bureaucracy.  Lots of government salaries.  Lots of cushy government jobs.  Not much, if anything, in the way of help.

Sarah sent me the link below earlier today:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,351994,00.html

The title of the article pretty much gives away the ending, and there’s not a lot more to discuss.  However, the explanation offered, while certainly part of the problem, isn’t the whole of it.  Another part, to be sure, is something I’ve warned the military and federal/state governments of since this site’s inception.  While there are people willing to serve during a time of seeming unending war, even in a time in which the government clearly has difficulty keeping its promises to its service members, eventually the quality of those choosing enlistment will suffer.  Aside from those sufficiently patriotic to serve under almost any condition (the kind of person I used to be), a very small minority I’d wager, most agreeing to risk their lives to meet their legal obligations to serve their government’s interests expect their government to meet its legal obligations too.

One need not possess a fatidic gift or a sociological Farmer’s Almanac to predict a bumper crop of felons replenishing strained lines should the government not learn from and correct its erred ways.  The government is reaping what it has sown.

(Addendumb: To avoid confusion, though I think my meaning is clear, I am in no way denigrating the sacrifice or commitment of those presently serving.  I am technically still serving.  My point is this: Military benefits relative to risk aren’t great to begin with.  When those benefits don’t flow as freely as they should, the government will find it difficult to attract high quality recruits.)

I got made fun of for the first time yesterday.  Jokes at my expense for riding in a motorized cart at Meijer Thrifty Acres.  It was such a strange feeling.  Given who I used to be - big, strong, smart - I’ve never really been the butt of anyone’s joke.  And while it did occur to me I could do something, at least say something about it, there were three of them and only one of me.  If I were healthy those three young fellas and I would have had a serious heart-to-heart.  But then again, if I were healthy I’d probably not have been the butt of their jokes to begin with.

This experience got me thinking about that meeting last week.  Specifically how for some of those present this matter was a forensics exercise of sorts.  An argument to have and to win, with all the usual rhetorical and jesuitical tricks of the trade, rather than a discussion of how various bureaucratic procedures and their poor execution have ruined my life.  And even in this the execution was weak - the kind of arguments a first year logic student could undo.  But that’s what my life and all the pain they’ve helped cause is worth to them.  Those who asked me to trust them.  Those who promised to help me.  My life is worth exactly one indefensible argument predicated upon a series of distortions and disclaimers.

I couldn’t figure out a way to fit this in the last post.  But I do think it’s important to address.  So here you go.

My family is military.  I’ve written of this before.  Both grandfathers, both parents, many aunts and uncles, cousins, and my little brother, Cody.  I talked to Cody yesterday.  It was the first time in a couple months.  He’s a been a busy young man since he returned from Iraq.  Busy catching up with his girlfriend, his friends, etc.  I don’t bother or pester him to keep in touch or visit.  I figure he’s a young guy, fresh from deployment, visiting one’s disabled and generally morose brother is a chore with which I shouldn’t burden him.

Cody has planned to make the Army his career for as long as I can remember.  He spoke of it when we were kids.  He was in ROTC in high school.  He liked the Army.  And he wanted to follow in the family’s footsteps, especially my grandfather’s and mine.  He loves soldiering, loves being a combat medic, and could certainly use the enlistment bonus.  But after over a year of watching me languish he’s had enough.  He has no plans of re-enlisting.  Ever.  He sounded lost.  For the first time in his adulthood he didn’t seem to know what to do with his life.

“Many have perished; more will.”  This Auden line has been repeating in my mind over and over again since we hung up.  Though Cody hasn’t perished in war, thank God, or had his body face perish as mine has - senselessly and at the idle and stain-resistant hands of ‘friendlies,’ in a way the Cody I knew is dead.  Killed by the same hands that broke his brother.

I’ve had some time to think about the meeting Monday.  I’ll be surprised if anything good comes from it.  Too many claims of powerlessness - responsibility escape hatches - to keep the promises those present made.  Too many attempts to reframe the discussion for me to believe those involved were concerned about anything other than winning the argument.  I don’t know if I will ever trust these people again.