The Broken Soldier

Just got back from having an EMG.  For those of you who’ve not had one, boy let me tell ya it’s a treat.  You take off your clothes.  You get into one of those gowns where your ass hangs out the back.  Then the party really gets jumpin’.

Little patches are placed up and down your legs or arms or whatever.  I had my feet, legs, hips, butt, and lower back done. You’re given a series of progressively higher intensity shocks.  A little machine to which the shock device attaches monitors and records the results.

The technician takes these results back to the neurologist for review.  Then, if needed, the neurologist performs further testing.  She stuck pins into the major muscles of my feet, legs, hip, butt, and lower back and applied an electric shock.

I’m sure my detractors are saying, “Sure Jimison (yawn).  So what?”  If Army medicine hadn’t done its best to confuse my diagnosis and symptoms I’d probably be saying “So what?” too.  But it didn’t.

The results: When lying flat on my back I have a pinched L5 exiting nerve.  This accounts for the pain, sensory disturbances, and motor loss I experience all the time.  Upon hearing that I asked the doc, “So my symptoms match my diagnosis?”  “Yep, they exactly match your diagnosis.” she said.  “Are these symptoms apt to get worse with activities such as sitting, standing, walking, etc.?” I asked.  “Yes, most definitely.” she said.  We didn’t get into the other symptoms I have.  The discogram will take care of that.

What I’ve learned from this, aside from what it feels like to have electrified pins jammed in my muscles, is depressed nerves and the symptoms they cause and the EMGs that reveal the physical component of both of those things don’t lie.  But retired Army doctors sure as shit do.  Especially when a retired Army doc believes he’s found a soldier he can push around.  The results of the EMG, along with a list of citations contradicting his confused position, are being sent to the nice people at ICE who followed up with me on the complaint I leveled at Dr. Toon.  Oh to be a fly on the wall in that meeting.

(Addendum: The lowest normal result for an EMG is 40 m/s.  I assume that refers to conduction velocity but I’m not sure of that.  Mine was 22 m/s.  Almost half of the lowest normal result.  The doctor said there is no evidence the neuropathy is progressing in my leg, but after a year of untreated nerve compression she didn’t appear to be hopeful for a recovery.  My right leg is Army Strong.)