The Broken Soldier

This last year has been very difficult for my wife and I. Difficult in every way one can imagine. We have done our best to work with those in the system, but have out of necessity taken our fight outside the system as well. At no point, however, have my wife or I done anything that could be construed by a reasonable person as harmful to the Army or the National Guard. We have offered what we believe to be honest and fair analysis of this matter. We have taken great care not to paint the whole of the Army or the whole of the National Guard with a broad brush. Rather, we have reserved criticism for those whose actions or lack of action merit criticism. We have taken care not to allow ourselves or our experiences to be used as political ammunition by those who, though willing to offer help, have ulterior motives. We have tried not be selfish. It is clear to my wife and I this approach is neither appreciated or effective. It is equally clear to my wife and I that if a just and legal outcome is achieved, it won’t be because of the works of the Army or the National Guard.

I am receiving conflicting information from the Guard and from the Army. A hot-potato re: authorizing medical care that neither seem to want to own. The folks at the Injured Soldier Hot Line (Mr. James Lansing) claim the Guard is responsible for authorizing my medical care. COL Soldano (assistant to the MING AG) claims the Army, specifically those at Fort Knox, are responsible for authorizing my medical care. Who is right? They can’t both be right, can they? If I’m not getting the right information about who authorizes care, why am I not getting the right information? What other information is incorrect?  Why are those at the highest levels of leadership unaware of procedure?  I have an opinion on this matter (of course).

My doctor has requested a consultation with a neurosurgeon since May of last year. Health Services for the State of Michigan have gone out of their way, from lying about receiving requests to claiming the requests weren’t sufficiently justified to deny this request.  Although after a year with a symptomatic disc herniation, surgery is considered, by most medical sources, not only reasonable and conservative, but also, given my symptoms, part of a necessary emergency intervention.  The Army claims they aren’t involved in this process, as my duty status is NG and when injured was NG activated for training, and therefore can’t act, has no authority to approve my doctor’s request. But the reality, whomever is actually responsible for authorizing care, is that authorizing neurosurgery, while very likely necessary to my recovery and to arrest further deterioration, is not in the best interest of the Guard or the Army. The procedure itself and post-op care are very expensive. And of course, with lumbar disc herniations, re-injury and need for additional surgeries is not uncommon. As well, possibly most important, neurosurgery for symptomatic disc herniation is permanently disqualifying and not waiverable. In other words, the Army and the Guard would, if they were to approve the care I need, incur great expense and also lose a body in uniform. The COL claims I cannot receive authorization unless I assent to re-evaluation at Fort Knox (the result of my first eval can be found under the title “Loony Toon”). The COL failed to address my concern that if I accept re-evaluation before my doctors and my lawyer and I have prepared my case, Dr. Toon or one of his colleagues, can choose not to initiate a medical evaluation board, find me medically unfit, and kick me out, disabled, with no compensation and no legal recourse. To this the COL responds with hyperbole and rhetoric. I’m paraphrasing. “One can’t obtain disability by avoiding the military medical system.” As though wanting a just and legal outcome, and wanting time to prepare is the same as ‘avoiding the system.’ “Even the President of the United States uses military doctors.” As though the President and I are treated by the same doctors or in the same way. I’m very saddened by this. I had hoped to have found an advocate. I know now the only advocates I have are my wife, my doctors, my attorney, average and not-so- average citizens who’ve offered to help me in various ways - from sharing their stories to initiating Congressional hearings on behalf of my fellow injured service members and I - and myself.

One might think doing the right thing by one of its own (injured in the line of duty) would be enough incentive. But for all its talk and all the Army Values posters plastered on every Army office wall, morality doesn’t seem to be the chief motivator in any action. “I will always place the mission first” seems to be. Even if placing the mission first means stretching and breaking the law. Even if placing the mission first means acting immorally.  Even if placing the mission first means harming one of its own by consigning them to the possibility of a lifetime of disability with no compensation.

Well, if choosing one action over another means accepting harm or harming an organization willing to, by its negligence and in support of its own interests, harm me, I can’t continue the way I have.  I can no longer afford to take the moral high road.  The Army and the Guard made an enemy today. An enemy out of a friend. A friend who would have gladly given his life for the Army and the Guard and this country. In spite of how I’ve been treated, and the justification above, I still feel guilt and regret about this decision. I wonder if anyone involved in the Army and/or Guard feel guilty or regretful about what they’ve done, what they’ve not done, what they intend to do, and how this has affected me and so many others. I doubt it.

But in all of this, the worst part is having to compromise who I am. My morals.  My value system. I have to change who I am to get a just and legal outcome. I should have seen this coming, I suppose. A warrant officer in Officer Accessions once told me, “Jim, you have to be willing to do anything to get that commission. Anything.” I should have known the type of culture I was dealing with then. I should have known to run in the other direction as fast as I could. Now I can’t run. Hell, I can’t even walk fast. And I’ve had to destroy the moral part of me to sink to the level of my opponents to have even the slightest chance of victory.